I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
