I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
