I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
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