she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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