Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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