I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
