Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
