well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
