The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
