If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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