Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
