The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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