Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
