At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
