dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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