i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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