i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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