There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
