Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
