Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
being pregnant is like rehab
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
