good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
