Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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