my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
