Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
