Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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