I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
