I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
