If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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