Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
