i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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