his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
