do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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