i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
they're like a gay fantastic four
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
