FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
