my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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