you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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