so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The best revenge is premature balding
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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