Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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