You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
