just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
