u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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