so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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