did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
