Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
