Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
