my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
