cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
