I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
