I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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