I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
